He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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