You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize