shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
