You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
