If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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