Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
