is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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