yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
