I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
