This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize