My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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