My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have fence marks all over my body
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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