dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
