you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
