sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
