But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
