After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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