never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
