Your dad touched me again.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize