Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
