My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Be still, my beating vagina.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
