Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
