I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
