Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
