he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
