i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
