Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
