i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
