see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
