Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
