Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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