Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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