I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
