She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
