you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
