Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
