I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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