making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just invented taco cereal.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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