I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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