I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
