i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
