why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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