I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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