How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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