do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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