We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
