you guys were way drunker than both of me
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
