Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
