Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
