Nicole vs. Life
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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