Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
