Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
