So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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