So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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