Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
