broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
