i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
