Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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