My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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