God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize