If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
