Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
