Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
